Thursday, April 15, 2010

I haven't seen me lately.

Around this time last year, I heard an acquaintance describe something that heavily influenced everything I wanted to be and think for the rest of my life. About that same time, I started exploding with renewed creative plans for my toddlers' development, started making sales in my Etsy shop, started showing at unconventional craft shows, started getting out and meeting local artists and creative people. I guess I just started to think of life in terms of how lovely and rich it could be, I started to breathe easier and felt like life and its difficulties weren't all that heavy.

Well, I sustained this feeling for a few months, which was really a long time for me. I am not sure when it started to corrode, but I cannot believe where I am now in relation to where I thought I was going to be. Now that description made by that acquaintance seems to exactly reflect my life and my attitude. She was a single mother describing the difficulties of living an already troubled life, but now with the additional challenges that come with a baby's transition into toddlerhood; she stated that she was confident and content to be able to "just survive" this part of life. I felt a sinking feeling when that was said, I felt that people were suppose to live not just survive, especially the oh-so-important child rearing years. Everything was going so well at that time, so I thought, but apparently, I was not immune to falling into such a pattern, becuase now everything is stagnant, I've withdrawn, not entirely by my choice, from almost everything I was joyfully active in. I've lost site of what living is. A lot has happened, a LOT of life has happened since last summer, but how could I have let myself fail to live it? I feel like I just barely survived it. I haven't even seen me lately, and at this moment, I certainly don't know how to find me again.

1 comment:

  1. I know this feeling, but it goes away and it goes away more quickly if you help it along. My therapist once told me... (nobody wants to start a sentence this way, but it's true), "Do something you enjoy everyday." It works. Also I decided that my 30's are going to be a time of "firsts"; knocking down fears and conquering tasks.